By Layah I'm not sure if you remember me, but I was the panicked, teary-faced, distraught mother of three on your flight to Florida on March 18, 2015. I wish I knew your last name, so I could search for you, but I just know you as Jessica from Air Wisconsin (I think). I'm sorry. I desperately want to thank you for your kindness, personally, with some sort of gift, but for now this open letter will have to do. I'm not sure what compelled you to help me. Maybe it the argument you heard me having with the awful, cold-hearted manager of Allegiant Air – the one who refused to let my husband help me to the plane, even though TSA allows guest passes. The one who, despite my tears and pleading, sent me on my way by myself when I had three children aged three and under, a double stroller, a large cooler with their food and bottles for the three-hour flight, my purse/diaper bag, my daughter's princess suitcase, and a car seat. Who said I was on my own because I was not "handicapped." You may have heard me scold the ticket counter worker and that manager, saying, "You should be ashamed of yourselves to do this to a mother of three young babies when we are not asking you to break any rules." You may have seen my husband keeping his cool, trying to reassure me that I could do it.
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By Annie You know that old rule about never turning your back on your kids when they're in the tub? Not even for a minute? Yeah, you should listen to that. For drowning reasons, sure, but also because kids are gross.
Recently, Henry was in the bath with his younger sister Midge. Dutifully, I stood inside the doorway but turned my attention for the briefest of moments to my oldest child who was performing her impassioned rendition of some song from some mindless Disney tween show. I turned back to the little ones just in time to see Henry perched on the edge of the bathtub, feet shoulders' width apart, knees slightly bent, pelvis proudly leading. Transfixed, I watched him pee directly on Midge's face while she gazed adoringly upward. By Mandy Between chasing Sofia, walking the dog, preparing real food, teaching yoga and occasionally spending time with my man, I never have time to do full make up these days. But, I still want to look like a freaking model when I actually make the effort. Do you know what a model's secret is, mamas? Well, besides airbrushing. It's highlights and shadows! I don't usually have time to contour my damn face and do both highlights and shadows, so I just rock out with a really good highlighter. Have I lost you? Don't get overwhelmed! I'm here to break it down into three simple steps: 1. Buy something called a luminizer or illuminator. Here are some of the best. 2. Squeeze a small amount on the top of your hand. Then, dab and blend with your finger. Still using your finger, gently apply to these areas on your face:
3. Then, just blend it all evenly into your skin. Oftentimes, all I wear is highlighter, mascara, and lipstick. And, it always makes me feel super put-together and fancy. Highlighter makes you glow. What woman doesn't want to glow? So, get on it! Don't worry about applying it perfectly. Just blend, blend, blend! Disclaimer: If this beauty tip doesn't work for you, too bad! A true MOTY hardly has time to perfect her own look, let alone care about yours. "I'm over being a mom that is 'needed' so much. I can handle the inane needs like, 'Mom, there's green stuff in my food' or 'Mom, wipe my butt,' but all of this whiny grunting, not walking, always wanting held bullshit is driving me insane. I'm an adult and have been an adult surrounded by adults for more than a decade. Interacting on a toddler level is fucking crazy."
Pregnancy does some seriously whack shit to your body. And, postpartum is no picnic. We don't want to scare you off if you're thinking of conceiving. We just want to make sure you understand what you're getting yourselves into. Had we known these things before trying to get pregnant, well, we may be blogging about some indulgent hobby right now instead. Or, not blogging at all because we are poolside and half drunk. Brace yourselves. (And, maybe take some professional nude photos now to preserve your magnificent splendor before it's too late.)
1. Queefing Yes, whether we like to admit it or not, queefing is a fact of pregnancy. Occasionally, a rush of air escapes the vagina, causing an embarrassing horn blast that sends vibrations through your Netherlands. (And your partner's. You know you've queefed during sex and subsequently wished the mattress would swallow you up whole. Don't lie, this is a safe place.) Get used to your new vocal vagina because Ms. Queef likes to show up any time, all the fucking time. 2. Discharge When you're pregnant, discharge might start flowing from your vagina like water over Niagara Falls. You will think you have an infection: is it yeast? OMG, could it be BV? No. Just your new daily swampfest. Unfortunately, this won't necessarily stop after your baby is born. It may just keep right on flowing. Stock up on those Kotex liners, preggos. You're gonna need them. 3. #LBL Speaking of things that flow freely from your vagina...Not hip yet to the cool-kid hashtag LBL? Well, it stands for light bladder leakage, and there's nothing cool about it. During pregnancy, you may experience leakage problems due to all that pressure your little alien is putting on your bladder. I'm sorry to have to tell you that your LBL may continue way after pregnancy ends. Sneezing, jumping, dancing with the kiddos, coughing, laughing... If you want to keep your panties pee free and your vag from smelling like a city ally, stock up on POISE liners/pads. Truly the best product on the market for managing LBL. And, don't worry, you aren't alone. Apparently 1/3 of all women are pissing themselves, too! And half are under the age of 40! Yay! 4. Boob Probs Whether your boobs balloon from a perky B to a saggy D or deflate so much post-nursing that you have old-woman sag lines around your nipples, put the word "sag" on the front burner of your vocabulary. And, accept the fact that your boobs will change. Especially if you breastfeed. All that yanking and pumping and sucking does a titty bad. By Annie I have a cardboard box labeled with Sharpie on the top shelf of my closet: Mommy's Cry Box. In it, I place the paper projects that are too dear to discard. Hand-made cards with a lopsided cacophony of kid letters. Fingerpaintings, traced hands, the staple-bound memoirs of a six-year-old. Poems with rigid rhyme schemes and spilling-over sentiment. I love you, you love me, love, love, love, 1 2 3.
My husband affectionately named this Mommy's Cry Box because I told him I was collecting these family artifacts so that I could take them out and look at them when our children were grown up and gone. I imagine spreading them across the kitchen table and examining them the way an anthropologist analyzes precious findings -- piecing together a life from scraps of paper. My second child was one when I accepted a job offer in a city an hour away. I committed to being a full-time working mother with a cool career instead of a part-time adjunct instructor and bartender who always had mornings free for silver-dollar pancakes and Tupperware towers on the kitchen floor. When my son started talking, we went through a brief phase where my husband was "Daddy" and I was "Another Daddy." When I was home, at least. By Mandy Mamas, please tell me you're already using coconut oil in your beauty regimen. If you're not hip to all its benefits, then you're simply not paying attention to life. Coconut oil is great for everything. You definitely need to use it on your face instead of a cream-based moisturizer. As we age, creams don't work as well as oils to curb wrinkles or give you a dewy glow. Coconut oil also fights acne because it's a cleaning agent. Do you think it seems weird because you can cook with it? Well, it's time to embrace the power of the coconut because your skin will drink it right up. If you're a younger mama, it's best to start an anti-aging regimen now. Time slips through your fingertips, girls, and you won't be young forever. Trust me. It seems like just yesterday I was getting 30 birthday smacks from my girlfriends in a drunken haze and now I'm turning 37 this month. But, I digress... Coconut oil can also be used to wash your face, remove eye make-up, and brush your teeth. It acts as a natural deodorant, prevents and lightens stretch marks, works as an all-over body butter, and stimulates hair growth. And, these are just some of the beauty benefits! You can take it internally as a super food health supplement. You can use it as diaper cream on your baby. You can lubricate with it during sexy time with your partner. What are you even waiting for?? Go buy it! Disclaimer: If this beauty tip doesn't work for you, too bad! A true MOTY hardly has time to perfect her own look, let alone care about yours. By Scarlett
We are currently living in Lima, Peru. Since January of 2013, we have also lived in Barcelona, Spain; Budapest, Hungary; Bogota, Colombia; Oaxaca, Mexico; and New Orleans, LA. In a few days, we will be packing up again to spend three months in Santiago, Chile. It’s such a dream that we get to experience these places and the best part of it is getting to live as the locals do. We shop at the same grocery stores, live in the non-touristy neighborhoods (except in Barcelona because c’mon...Barri Gotic!), eat at the mom-and-pop restaurants, enroll our older son in the local schools (where they generally don’t teach in English), and frequent the local playgrounds and parks. We try to absorb the culture, but as much as we try, we’re never going to blend in. Fact is, we are 100% American. I speak Spanish fluently and have Andean features, but I’m still all Gringa. We have American values and ways of interacting with each other as a family that are sometimes in stark contrast to the values and familial interactions in other countries. This is a plus for us because instead of reading books about how people parent around the world (my guilty reading pleasure), we are seeing it unfold before our very eyes. For example, we learned that in Barcelona, it is never OK to let your child run ahead of you lest he bump into people and generally get in the way. In Budapest, kids are expected to play together with minimal parental involvement in parks that to some American moms and dads may seem downright dangerous. In Bogota, we learned that is important that every child should greet “good morning,” “good afternoon,” or “good evening” when they enter a room or meet a person. In Mexico, we learned that we shouldn’t be surprised if the neighbor’s dog attempts to bite and snap your 4-year-old son’s neck - and that we shouldn’t expect an apology from its owner. In Lima, we learned that babies get sick from all sorts of things, especially the chill in the air. |
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We love our kids. They drive us crazy. We write about it instead of going insane. Archives
September 2017
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