"If my toddler pees through his diaper, I make a judgment call based on how much water he drank before bed, how long it's been, and how much it smells like pee as to whether or not I wash that pajama or air dry and reuse. #savingtheplanet"
"So finally I just said, out loud, 'Fine. Have an ear infection then. I don't care.'"
Dinner with preschoolers and toddlers can be hectic at best and harrowing at worst. It's tempting to abandon the practice of coming together at the dinner table each night. However, a true MOTY knows that the key is simply embracing the scene. This acceptance can take many forms such as cookies for supper, a strict "no speaking by anyone for any reason" rule, or adult beverages for Mommy and Daddy. Here, you see a typical dinner at my house.
My husband, toddler and I were recently visiting friends in Cocoa Beach, Florida, when a middle-aged stranger approached me. I braced myself for the unwelcome parenting advice. But then, in a thick Midwestern accent, she said: "Out of all the mothers I've seen here, you're the ONLY one who has her child in a sun hat. I'm from Wisconsin, and I used to always put my kids in hats when we came to Florida."
I beamed. Held my head a little higher as the warm breeze ruffled my hair. "Thank you."
She walked away, and our friend looked at me and said, "Did you just win Mother of the Year?"
"Yes," I said, watching my unlikely source of validation walk along the ocean's edge. "Yes, I believe I did."
If you've been a parent for more than 13 seconds, you've probably been aggressively warned to "criss-cross applesauce" your kid out of the W position before you permanently disfigure him and blow his chances of finding true love (or even vapid sexual gratification), personal fulfillment and financial notoriety. In all seriousness, mamas, many qualified physical and occupational therapists warn that prolonged W sitting can negatively affect coordination, balance and the development of gross motor skills -- and can even lead to hip dislocation. Yikes. Yet, here is my 22-month-old daughter, happily sorting my nail polishes:
It's fine. She doesn't sit this way all the time. She's developing splendidly. And some very qualified people, like, oh, pediatric orthopedic surgeons, think it's just fine, too. Besides, I've observed some much more worrying positions to watch for in her big brother.
"So our two-day streak of being early to school has ended. I'll always treasure that special time when it came across that I had my shit together."
If one thing is certain, mamas, it's that pregnancy will forever change your body. This is me rocking out with my perky little pre-pregnancy boobs:
And here I am horrified by the reality of my mom boobs:
But I'll tell you what -- I always wanted a boob job when I was in my 20s and early 30s, so I'm considering these shocking jugs a WIN.
My husband isn't complaining either. He's thrilled to have his hands full.
Because after this:
We get this:
That's the last sip, mamas. And it's still hot.
So, mamas, what do you do when your always-wired, ever-busy, never-naps toddler actually falls asleep in the car and you have time to kill and a few bucks in your pocket?
Who cares if you're 17 weeks pregnant and haven't eaten anything but sugar and carbs today? Put the car in park, close your eyes, and take a long, sweet sip...
Not even two sips in, and she's wide awake and pissed as fuck. And, yes, I know you're never supposed to put your toddler in her car seat in a puffy winter coat. And, yes, I know the strap is buckled too low and should be closer to her chest. But let's try to focus on what's important here, ladies -- I didn't get to enjoy my coffee.
We love our kids. They drive us crazy. We write about it instead of going insane.