Yes, whether we like to admit it or not, queefing is a fact of pregnancy. Occasionally, a rush of air escapes the vagina, causing an embarrassing horn blast that sends vibrations through your Netherlands. (And your partner's. You know you've queefed during sex and subsequently wished the mattress would swallow you up whole. Don't lie, this is a safe place.) Get used to your new vocal vagina because Ms. Queef likes to show up any time, all the fucking time.
When you're pregnant, discharge might start flowing from your vagina like water over Niagara Falls. You will think you have an infection: is it yeast? OMG, could it be BV? No. Just your new daily swampfest. Unfortunately, this won't necessarily stop after your baby is born. It may just keep right on flowing. Stock up on those Kotex liners, preggos. You're gonna need them.
Speaking of things that flow freely from your vagina...Not hip yet to the cool-kid hashtag LBL? Well, it stands for light bladder leakage, and there's nothing cool about it. During pregnancy, you may experience leakage problems due to all that pressure your little alien is putting on your bladder. I'm sorry to have to tell you that your LBL may continue way after pregnancy ends. Sneezing, jumping, dancing with the kiddos, coughing, laughing... If you want to keep your panties pee free and your vag from smelling like a city ally, stock up on POISE liners/pads. Truly the best product on the market for managing LBL. And, don't worry, you aren't alone. Apparently 1/3 of all women are pissing themselves, too! And half are under the age of 40! Yay!
4. Boob Probs
Whether your boobs balloon from a perky B to a saggy D or deflate so much post-nursing that you have old-woman sag lines around your nipples, put the word "sag" on the front burner of your vocabulary. And, accept the fact that your boobs will change. Especially if you breastfeed. All that yanking and pumping and sucking does a titty bad.
After giving birth, not only will you fart more often, but your farts may also be stinkier. And, you know what else gets stinkier? EVERYTHING. Your armpits, your vagina, your taint, your anus, all of it. Say farewell to your days of hot power yoga classes and then going out for dinner afterwards without needing a shower.
6. Butt and Vagina Drama
During your postpartum, you'll bleed enough to warrant wearing an adult diaper. For DAYS. Then, you'll continue to bleed for OVER A MONTH. Sure, we all assumed childbirth would involve some blood, but yikes. And, your vagina is not the only thing suffering. There's also a lot happening with your poor butthole! Many woman get hemorrhoids after pushing out a baby and yours might be so bad that you have to sit on a pillow for two MONTHS after giving birth. The first time you poop after giving birth is guaranteed to be terrifying even if you don't have hemorrhoids. You could even tear open your stitches. They all tell you this won't happen. But, it can. And did. This can be so severe that you'll need another doctor's visit and prescription pain pills.
7. Diastasis WHAT?
Something exists called "diastasis recti." This means your abdominal muscles actually spread apart, open and separate. Basically, your body splits apart -- You know, no biggie. It happens in about 30% of all pregnancies. It doesn't hurt but it gives you a very pronounced pot belly. At eight months postpartum, you may honestly still look pregnant even if you exercise daily.
8. Body Blues
You might gain more than half your original body weight during your pregnancy, and your wedding rings won't fit back on your finger again until you're 5 or 6 months postpartum. You might still be 15 pounds over your pre-pregnancy weight on your baby's first birthday. You're likely to find cellulite, stretch marks and varicose veins all over your once-smooth skin. That string bikini you bought for your honeymoon? Don't be ridiculous. You're never wearing that again.
9. Hair Woes
Your hair falls out. Hold on tight to those beautiful, glowing pictures of your formerly pregnant self, new mama, because you will be feeling like shit and looking like it, too. You'll need something to remind you that you really are beautiful no matter how much hair you lost and how many new bald spots you have.
The last trimester, you're itchy all the time. And, in the most inappropriate places. Try to nonchalantly scratch your lower belly (which is your underbelly at this point) and it looks like you're scratching your privates in public. It happens with your breasts, too.
OK, this isn't really a body thing, and you've probably heard it from everyone in the entire universe with a kid, but it's true and horrible, and we can't say it enough. You're definitely never sleeping again. You think sleepless nights start at day one with your baby? Think again. You're going to wake up to pee every couple hours while you're pregnant. Your bad back, violent heartburn, and racing thoughts will keep you up until about 15 minutes before your next pee break. And, you definitely might end up up with a 10-month-old who's never once slept through the night or a 7-year-old who still climbs into bed with you and sleeps so restlessly that she punches you in the jaw. But, don't worry. It's worth it! (We're almost certain, but will have to get back to you when the sleep deprivation stops eating our brains and our kids shut up for more than 37 seconds.)