Still, I decided to let Johnny be diaper-free this morning. I gently led him to his potty. He sat several times. We read book after book upon the potty. Then... somehow within the two-minute time-span it took for me to do my daughter Sofia's hair, Johnny managed to poop on the floor in three DIFFERENT ROOMS, plus pee on the kitchen floor, PLUS poop on Sofia’s bed. I'm not even upset. Not even overwhelmed. Just so not feeling it. I am already drowning in laundry. Now, to clean bedding. Ah well, Monday.
By Mandy Perhaps I am just lazy, but so be it. I hate potty training. Johnny, my not-even-2-year-old has been showing all the potty-ready signs, and I've casually ignored them as long as possible. So I finally dragged the potty out. Dutifully displayed the potty training books. But, hot damn, if I can find any real motivation.
Still, I decided to let Johnny be diaper-free this morning. I gently led him to his potty. He sat several times. We read book after book upon the potty. Then... somehow within the two-minute time-span it took for me to do my daughter Sofia's hair, Johnny managed to poop on the floor in three DIFFERENT ROOMS, plus pee on the kitchen floor, PLUS poop on Sofia’s bed. I'm not even upset. Not even overwhelmed. Just so not feeling it. I am already drowning in laundry. Now, to clean bedding. Ah well, Monday.
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By Annie
A lot of mamas would (rightfully) look at this pee-filled, paint-covered, seat-up toilet and think, "That tiny asshole! When will he learn some potty etiquette already?" But not me. I like to think of my potties as half full. Do you know what I thought when I stumbled across this scene? My wonderful boy! He WIPED! By Annie Think it's time to celebrate when precious little Tommy wakes up dry two nights in a row? Think you should break out the champagne when sweet Susie Clean-Butt tells you she needs to tinkle? Think again, mamas. Potty training is a long, dark, twisted road that will break you in ways you never dreamed possible.
Case in point: Last night, after working a full day, commuting two hours, buying a last-minute birthday doughnut (yes, doughnut, not cake, whatever) and having a makeshift "party" for my oldest child, I stood at the sink, just trying to wash the last couple dishes before bath and bed and half-marathon training. My ass-naked 4-year-old, who has been "potty-trained" for well over a year now, comes streaking into the kitchen. Boy, exuberant: Wipe my butt! Me, still trying to get the dishes done: Did you poop? Boy: Yes! Wipe my butt! Me, frantically scrubbing dishes: WHY DID YOU LEAVE THE BATHROOM WITHOUT WIPING YOUR BUTT? Boy: Wipe my butt! Wipe my butt! Wipe my butt! Wipe my butt! Me: Just give me a second, will you? Sister, from upstairs: MO-OOOM! Henry needs you! Boy: Wipe my butt! Wipe my butt! Wipe my butt! Wipe my butt! Me, turning off water: ONE SECOND! Boy: [Bends over, hands on kitchen tiles, and starts shimmying his ass crack up and down my jeans, twerking his way to a wiped butt] Horrifying, right? Wrong. This is normal. So normal, in fact, that I am wearing the very same jeans to work today without having washed them. In my defense, I'd already put a load of whites in. Ain't no MOTY got time for two loads of laundry. By Annie At age 4, my big-eyed, beautiful boy has been peeing in the toilet (mostly) like a real human for a solid year now. However, when he made the switch from sitting to standing, I realized that aim was something we were going to have to make a focused effort to cultivate. Not having a penis myself, I never realized that holding onto your member and directing your stream was not, in fact, a natural response. “NO!” I still shout on the daily. “Point it DOWN for the love of Pete!” I’ve grabbed his part myself to right a rogue stream. I’ve balled up wads of toilet paper to create makeshift targets. All with minimal success. And yes, mamas, I am fully aware that a wide range of reasonably priced, adorably named products exists to assist with this problem. But this MOTY ain’t buying into that market. Why? Read on. Decals are vicious, disgusting diarrhea traps. Products like WeeWeePals cling to the inside of your toilet bowl, serving as playful targets. Playful targets that get peed and pooped on again and again and again, while fecal remnants remain cheerfully inside your toilet long after visible messes are flushed away. I'm no germaphobe -- by any stretch of the imagination -- but that's gross. Danglers are dangerous temptresses. The Wee Target is a paddle-shaped device that hangs inside your toilet from a small suction cup. Its mysterious black surface reveals a predictably gender-traditional image when doused with a hot stream of piss. Aside from offering a vague scientific lesson, this product practically shouts at little boys to replicate the mesmerizing result by pouring any and all household liquids onto the Wee Target -- including your morning coffee. Not to mention the paddle shape, by definition, tempts even the best behaved little boys to use their soiled Wee Targets as paddles with which to beat siblings. Not thanks. Flushables have you almost literally flushing your money down the toilet. Products like Piddlers consist of brightly colored foam shapes that you can flush down the toilet. Let that sink in for a second. Yes, you are buying trash that your son can pee on and then flush down the toilet, along with the rest of your family's shit. I don't care how stable your financial situation is, that is just a stupid way to spend money. Some mamas advocate using Cheerios or Fruit Loops instead. Same result, without the unnecessary spend. Hmmmm. I'm just not sure I'm comfortable teaching my kid that, while yes, there are poverty-stricken children all over the world who are starving to death every single day, in our family, we pee on food for fun and flush it away! And of course, my kids are assholes, so I have to go ahead and assume that if I tell them it's OK to flush Cheerios down the toilet, their natural next step will be testing a sandwich.
Bottom line, mamas, my bathroom smells like a zoo. But my son is learning that going to the bathroom is a normal, mundane function. It's not supposed to be fun. It's just supposed to be relatively hygienic. I am accepting donations for new flooring though...in like five years. By Layah
I get it, mamas. You want to help your child navigate life and conquer the hygiene challenges of public restrooms. We all do. But there has to be a line, and here it is – airport bathrooms! Unless you want to mop up urine with one-ply toilet paper and spend your entire flight reeking of piss, do NOT hold your child over the airport toilet while she tinkles before takeoff. By Annie When I walked in to find my three-year-old son naked and hovering in a deep warrior pose over the Baby Alive toy potty, I was mesmerized. Be disgusted that he is peeing on a toy? Or impressed that he has such uncanny aim and control?
Potty training is a bitch, mamas. Take your victories where you can find them -- however miniature. By Annie
Motherhood is full of difficult choices. And it never gets easier. For instance, this weekend I watched my potty-training son like a hawk, waiting for any sign that he was about to drop a deuce. Finally, at 8 p.m. Sunday night, while I was holding Midge and talking to my dad on the phone, I heard the telltale grunting from the other room. Sprinting, I arrived just in time to see the easily four-inch-long turd detach from his bare anus. Let it fall or try to catch it? Clean the carpet or wash my hands?? The adrenaline was high. Barehanded, with Midge under one arm and the phone cradled against my shoulder, I dove and made the catch. Judge me if you like; it was a split-second call. I'm pretty sure it was the right choice, though there was a long and complicated moment when I stared at the log in my hand and took stock of my life. By Layah
Here are a couple things I learned this week while in the heart of potty training: 1. Never trust a toddler when she says that she did not pee or poop in the training potty. 2. Don't panic when your baby eats poop-even if it's not his own. Apparently, this happens "all the time" and just "call the doctor if there is diarrhea, vomiting, or fever" after eating said poop- again, this applies to whosever shit it is that has been consumed. 3. As a matter of fact...it's probably better all together to not use training potties when you have other babies that will be crawling in that area. Good luck mamas! By Layah
You always want to set the best example for your little helper. Otherwise, you can expect shit like this: |
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September 2017
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