"I don't want to buy a poinsettia from my 4-year-old. I don't have to do any fundraising until they are in the school long enough for me to be embarrassed about it. Let's hold out for the k-12 tchotchke."
"If you haven’t done some serious house-cleaning with a baby wipe, I have a feeling we’re very different moms. And that’s cool. I’m #JustNotingIt"
"I hate school so much that I wish I felt empowered to home-school. But that’s not my calling. I mean I didn’t know Africa was a continent until my husband told me, soooo..."
"Everyone says you'll look back one day and wish for this time with your children. But to be honest, I'm going to look back on it and be glad they can fucking do shit for themselves."
"I'm beginning to think all the physical pain my 4-year-old inflicts on my every day is karmic retribution for the emotional pain I caused my own mother... But then I look at my other two kids, and I know that they were assholes to me in a past life, too, and I just calmly think, 'your turn now!'"
"Why TF is it that women have a plethora of birth control options where men have like two? In one calendar year, a woman can get pregnant at the MOST two times. A man can impregnate a woman 365+ times in a year. Yet we are the ones tasked with preventing pregnancy? I'm on a coffee roll against the patriarchy, ladies."
"I'm really proud of myself. I've been waking up at 5 a.m. every day to do yoga even though I'm still nursing. I feel like that takes real discipline. I also feel like I deserve to be skinny for doing this."
"Maybe those 1950s era moms knew what they were doing when they would day drink and ignore their kids for hours."
"I didn't sign up for this shit. Pets. Kids. All these living creatures in my house don't give two flying fucks that I rescued their asses and brought them into this world. Nope. Zookeeper Slave, that's my title."
"It seems so obvious, like why do we have to TELL kids what good behavior is? Kids should just know. Don't hit your brother. Don't bitch slap your mother. Don't throw a goddamn fit when it's time to leave the park."
We love our kids. They drive us crazy. We write about it instead of going insane.