"Why TF is it that women have a plethora of birth control options where men have like two? In one calendar year, a woman can get pregnant at the MOST two times. A man can impregnate a woman 365+ times in a year. Yet we are the ones tasked with preventing pregnancy? I'm on a coffee roll against the patriarchy, ladies."
"I'm really proud of myself. I've been waking up at 5 a.m. every day to do yoga even though I'm still nursing. I feel like that takes real discipline. I also feel like I deserve to be skinny for doing this."
"Maybe those 1950s era moms knew what they were doing when they would day drink and ignore their kids for hours."
"I didn't sign up for this shit. Pets. Kids. All these living creatures in my house don't give two flying fucks that I rescued their asses and brought them into this world. Nope. Zookeeper Slave, that's my title."
"It seems so obvious, like why do we have to TELL kids what good behavior is? Kids should just know. Don't hit your brother. Don't bitch slap your mother. Don't throw a goddamn fit when it's time to leave the park."
"I'm much better at home schooling when my kids are at school."
"Sometimes when I come home, I can hear them all screaming when I'm still a good five feet from the door. I have to take a deep breath and brace myself before walking into my own house. Assholes. Every last one of them."
"My problem was that screen time meant I could do other shit and ignore them. Now that we're screen-free, I still ignore them but they're used to finding shit to do on their own."
"Think about it objectively: these are toddlers and children who don't know shit. They sometimes play with shit. And then put that shit in their mouths. They are weird and crazy and wonderful but also assholes and stupid."
"Stay in the moment when your kids say they hate you and you're horrible. Just laugh and think, 'You little fuckers have no clue.'"
We love our kids. They drive us crazy. We write about it instead of going insane.