Blog Archives - MOTY

MOTYs Can Give Thanks Too

11/26/2014

As MOTYs, we spend a lot of time complaining, commiserating, and calling attention to everything our kids do to drive us crazy. But, MOTYs can be thankful too! At our core, we each have far more gratitude than negativity. Check out this kick-ass gratitude list we compiled in honor of the holiday.

I am grateful that even though my 8-month-old has never -- not once -- slept through the night, he did so perfectly when I recently left him with a friend for a weekend.

I am grateful for coffee and Baileys and also wine. And grateful that my hubby doesn't care that I need these every day to keep sane.

I am grateful that my hubby will manually pump milk out of my breast so I can do my makeup when we are away from the baby and have to be somewhere.

I am grateful for vaguely educational computer games that help me justify my children's screen time.

I am grateful for Monday mornings when I get to drive to work for an hour in silence and then sit at a desk and drink a scalding hot cup of coffee, uninterrupted.

I am grateful for kind flight attendants who slip you two mini bottles of wine and whisper, "You're doing good, mama," while my 4-year-old has a meltdown and my 6-month-old is screaming.

I am grateful, infinitely, for my husband who tells me that my gray hairs are "cute."

I am grateful I got laid two nights in a row, which is not an easy feat when my husband and I are co-sleeping with our 6-month-old baby and our Yorkie.

I am grateful I no longer have to sit on a pillow all the time, and that my butthole no longer itches and bleeds from postpartum hemorrhoids.

I am grateful for bread, pizza, pasta, donuts, cookies, muffins, croissants, and every other carb that exists because they provide me far more joy on a daily basis than my skinny jeans ever did.

Happy Thanksgiving, mamas! What are you grateful for this year?

MOTY Tip: Consolidate

11/21/2014

By Annie

Any MOTY knows that bath time is a crashing bore. Not to mention messy and hazardous and, naturally, something your toddler will want to do for approximately 3-7 hours each day. Try consolidating your toddler's bath with another family member's to minimize time and cleanup.

See how much fun they are both having?

Squeaky clean...ish.

Beauty Tip, MOTY Style

11/19/2014

By Mandy

Mamas, let's get real. You're already doing enough multitasking as it is right now. You need one great beauty product that has tons of different uses. You have to get your hands on some Rosewater. Here's why:

-It's a facial toner. After cleaning, mist face and then add facial cream or coconut oil. Rosewater hydrates your skin and aids the absorption of your favorite cream or oil.

-It sets your make-up. Mist right after make-up is applied.

-It moisturizes your hair. Spray on clean wet hair and comb through just like a leave-in conditioner.

-It's a cleansing aid. Throw it in your gym bag and spray it on your stinky pits after you hit the treadmill. Or just spray it all over your body if you haven't showered in a few days. I personally use this "mommy bath" technique often.

-It's a sensitive skin tonic. Add to your bathwater.

-It's a dry skin tonic. Spray on your sexy body after you get out of the shower while skin is still damp.

-It's great for your complexion. Mix with lavender or tea tree oil and spray directly on your face to prevent and treat break-outs.

-It helps prevent razor burn. Spray on your coochie after you get out of the shower if you don't want those nasty little red bumps from shaving your bikini area too quickly.

-It's aromatherapy. Rose scents are known to alleviate depressive tendencies and rosewater is believed to raise your energy to a higher vibration. If you believe in that shit (and I totally do,) spray directly on your face when you need a little pick-me-up. (I personally use this technique every damn day!)

Disclaimer: If this beauty tip doesn't work for you, too bad! A true MOTY hardly has time to perfect her own look, let alone care about yours.

Overheard at the MOTY Water Cooler

11/18/2014

"I could handle anything in life, anything at all, if they would just use their inside voices."

Beauty Tip, MOTY Style

11/16/2014

By Mandy

Leftover nipple cream makes a great lip balm! Here's why:

The consistency is thick, smooth, and buttery like a high-end lip product.
Once applied, it looks very pretty and supple. Nipple cream has a similar look and feel to Smith's Rosebud Salve.
Nipple cream is absolutely ideal for the upcoming winter months because it lasts a long time and feels soothing on dry, chapped lips.

Disclaimer: If this beauty tip doesn't work for you, too bad! A true MOTY hardly has time to perfect her own look, let alone care about yours.

MOTY TIP: Don't Forget Your Breast Pump

11/13/2014

By Layah

It's VERY important for breast feeding/pumping mamas not forget their breast pump during a weekend away from the baby.

Otherwise, instead of spending time doing this:

Ooh that was so fun, baby!

Ok, who am I kidding?? There would be a lot of this.

You'll be spending time looking like this:

Found another use for those disposable cups they leave for guests in the hotel room!

I mean, we all know that a night away for a breast feeding/pumping mama is not really a night away. Even when you are among a sea of feathered pillows and crisp white linens, your self-squirting, lumpy, engorged, and painful boobs are a strong reminder that there is no true escaping-at least not yet. But at least you can try to make the most of your "escape" by not wasting time searching for a baby store and self-expressing.

Open Letter to the Bag Boy at the Grocery Store who Gave My Screaming Kids a Cookie

11/12/2014

By Annie

Dear Bag Boy at the Grocery Store who Gave my Screaming Kids a Cookie,

You might not remember us. I'd like to think that you don't because children as loud and miserable as mine, mothers as sheepish and disheveled, are commonplace and not the horrific anomaly I felt like that day. But probably, you do.

We were quite a wreck when we passed through your aisle. A two year old and a seven year old, both red faced with snot and tears streaming down their faces, both audibly sobbing, tiny bodies shaking with too much emotion and zero attention. Neither wearing a jacket or hat, though the weather certainly required something more than their faded, second-hand shirts. And me, in my weekend "finery," aka bleach-stained yoga pants, gray hoodie, dirty hair in a ponytail. Fighting desperately to appear calm, concentrating on smiling and saying thank you as I interacted with the cashier, swallowing my humiliation and willing this transaction to be over faster so I could slink away, pack the kids into our crappy Sunfire, and flee the scene.

I never even looked your way.

Overheard at the MOTY Water Cooler

11/12/2014

"She peed herself in the hotel bed. But that's probably my fault because instead of changing her into a pull-up, I browsed Instagram, spying on ex-friends."

Goodbye, California Jeans

11/11/2014

By Mandy

I'm staring at a pile of size 25-inch-waist designer jeans that don't fit me anymore.

-True Religion. From Native, a little boutique in Franklin Village. Hollywood, 2009.
-Seven For All Mankind. From that crazy Puerto Rican girl I used to work with. West Hollywood, 2007.
-Rock and Republic. From Wasteland on Melrose, Hollywood, 2010.
-Frankie B. From a cute little shop I stumbled across after a wine tasting. Ventura, California, 2010.

I could go on and on. It's a really big pile of jeans, but it's too depressing. When I say these jeans don't fit, I don't mean that they won't quite button or that they're uncomfortably tight. I mean, I can't even get them over my hips. At all. And they fit me perfectly when I got pregnant. I inexplicably gained 60 pounds during my pregnancy, and almost everyone said I'd lose all the weight quickly. But, I just knew that wouldn't be the case. I knew 60 pounds wasn't going to miraculously melt off my 36-year-old body. Even if I was a yoga teacher who had been in super great shape before this whole wretched pregnancy ordeal.

Well, I was right! My spectacular baby girl is six months old and I'm still 13 pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight. But it's not even about the number on the scale. It's where exactly the extra pounds sit on my 5'0 frame, and it's about how much my body has been vastly and forever changed. My hips are much, much wider. My ass is huge. My boobs went from a perky size B to a saggy size D. I have rolls of extra skin on my back and flabby chubbiness above my knees. My legs are a lot bigger in general. But the worst of it...the very very worst of it...is my stomach. Sigh... My stomach... My once chiseled abs now resemble the Pillsbury Doughboy. My belly is round and poochy and it droops down when I bend over. If I'm not sucking in, I really do look like I could still be posing for second trimester pregnancy photos. Honestly, 13 pounds sits heavy and foreign on my 5'0 frame.

MOTY Tip: Always Check Your Jeans

11/7/2014

By Annie

Did you get spit up on today? Have you dealt with an epic diaper blowout? Maybe you're experiencing dramatic postpartum periods? There is no shortage of reasons why you, as a mother, may be completely disgusting today. Whether you work in a trendy office environment like I do or are a busy SAHM like my fellow MOTYs, I highly recommend that you always, always check your jeans.

BONUS tip: If you pump at work, make sure you pull your shirt down before bending over to turn off the pump. Otherwise, your jeans are disgusting!

BONUS tip: Taking your jeans straight out of the dryer does not ensure that they are not disgusting. It's quite plausible that they could have a massive shit stain on them that you won't notice until you are in the middle of a meeting.

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