We live in a world where a dude is recorded saying, "Grab them by the pussy" and actually admits to sexual assault and he is still elected president of the United States. Why would I be surprised?
Why would any of us be? Sexual abuse is What Always Was. I know it has been for me. I could tell you that my sexual abuse paints everything for me, every piece of my life, and some of you would roll your eyes, call me dramatic. But many of you would nod, would know. I literally don't remember a time without it chasing me...
Fuzzy memories of seeing an erect penis in a specific room. – Age 3
A man slinks into my childhood bedroom and fingers me while I try to sleep. – Age 6
A gym teacher fondles my boobs while he looks me in straight the eye. – Freshman year of high school
Forced oral sex on a bathroom floor when I say, "I can't. No." – Early college
A manager at a job I worked in New York City whips out his penis and presses it up against me. – Age 22
A random stranger in Chicago roughly grabs my boobs on a crowded street. – Age 25
A man yanks my hand and forces me to jack him off while he says, "I want to hate-fuck you. Make me cum, bitch." – Age 30
I could go on. And on. But I'll stop there.
I saved myself every time, but I really could have died. Died because it hurt too much. Died because I needed to escape. Died because that’s just what happens to so many of the women (and men) forced to walk this journey.
I marry the most wonderful, kind, good man. – Age 35
I give birth to my Sofia Rose in the rain. – Age 36
I give birth to my Johnny Angel in sunshine. – Age 38
My sexual abuse colors my motherhood because it paints everything. Always. But, what does that mean? How does that look inside the walls of our safe little tumbledown house?
I lie in bed with my 3-year-old daughter. I hold her and sing her to sleep every single night because that makes her feel safe. I don't care what anybody says about co-sleeping. I care that my girl feels safe and connected to me.
I will never say, "Boys will be boys," when referring to my son.
My daughter spends more than half her day completely naked because that’s how she feels free. I always talk openly to her about private parts and about how nobody is ever allowed to touch her there.
I nurse my boy on demand, in public, always. He's almost 15 months old and I sense it makes people uncomfortable to see an older baby breastfeed so often. I don't care. I do it because it makes him feel safe. I do it because I needed to be loved like this and touched like this by a male.
I tell my daughter every day, "Mommy will always help you. You can tell Mommy anything in the whole wide world, even if you think you did something bad, and I will ALWAYS help you." I say this because I know someday, something terrible might happen to her. I do not live in that fear. But I am proactive about giving her a voice.
And... I don't know what else yet... My babies are still so young. But these babies of mine? That's how we get to change the world. That's the superpower we have as parents. We let our children be a legacy of love.
This is more important now than ever in my lifetime. In our current political climate, love is in danger in unspeakable ways. Ladies, it’s up to us right now to keep fighting to stop the violence against us. It shouldn’t be, but it is. It is even on the woman's shoulders to say, "Me too." If women don't out themselves as being sexually abused, nothing will change. And that is horrifying. But a fire has been ignited. Women ARE standing up and roaring their truths. It's inspiring and exciting. A shift is happening. Can you feel the powerful feminine energy rising? I can. Let’s use it. Let’s use it to heal and to help, to empower and to embolden, to inform and to educate. And let’s start – right now – by educating all the men out there who suddenly have our attention. Let’s start by identifying the problem.
Men, have you ever pressured a woman to go farther than she wanted to go sexually? Then, you're part of the problem.
Has a woman said to you, "We should stop," but instead of saying, "Okay," you kissed her again? Then you're part of the problem.
Have you ever hired a woman for a job in the hopes she might sleep with you one day? Then you're part of the problem.
Do you inwardly roll your eyes at the terms "Rape Culture" and "Trigger Warning" because you think they're a bit overdramatic? Then you're a part of the problem.
Do you rate women on a scale of 1-10 based on their physical appearance? Then, you're part of the problem.
Have you ever bought a woman "One More Drink" when she'd clearly had enough, in the hopes she might (against her better judgment) sleep with you? Then you're part of the problem.
Did you hook up with a woman who you KNEW was too intoxicated to make a decision based on HER wants and desires? Then you're part of the fucking PROBLEM.
We have to do better.
Will you make amends? Will you be our ally? Will you see us as your equal? Will you stop taking Every Single Thing you want? Will you tell your buddies it's not okay? Will you listen?
So, what can we DO? As men. As parents. As brothers. As friends. As a society. How do we stop this? How can we help?
We must let women speak and we must listen. We must validate the anger, the rage, the sadness, the total devastation. We must encourage women to roar their truth until they no longer feel shame, but instead, feel empowered.
And we must believe them. We must believe them every single time.
My parents believed me. When I ran downstairs and said, "He touched my private parts," they believed me. They put me in therapy. They listened. And I am positive that belief in me saved my life. Their validation made me a survivor instead of a fallen angel who died.
My parents saved me. Yoga saved me. Therapy saved me. Nature saved me. Dancing saved me. Choosing my husband saved me. Motherhood saves me every day.
And I’m going to spend the rest of this wild, beautiful life fighting for the wounded. The lost angel girls who didn’t make it out alive. The ones who got swallowed up just trying to survive. The ones who got left behind.
Women, how will you save yourselves?
Men, how will you do better?
"Darling, you feel heavy because you're too full of truth. Open your mouth more. Let the truth exist somewhere other than inside your body." – Della Hicks-Wilson