In the land of Jerusalem, long, long ago and far, far away (like, as in far away from the United States), there was a Greek King named Antiochus, who tried to force the Jewish people to be Greek and bow down to his many gods. But the Jews refused, and one brave Jew named Judah led the Maccabees against the Greek army to fight for freedom in the land; they won. When the Maccabees went to their temple to pray, they had enough oil to light their menorah for just one day. Miraculously, it lasted eight. And that is when the holiday of Hanukkah was born.
About 165 years later, a beautiful woman named Mary, gave birth to a tiny boy named Jesus Christ. Mary, a self-proclaimed virgin, was viewed as the vessel through which the lord brought his own son into this world. Jesus, a man of peace and kindness, was revered by many, though not all. After Jesus's untimely death, his birthday was celebrated each year by his followers. This is how Christmas was born.
Over a thousand years passed before these two holidays met and our love story began...
One frightful winter night, a lone Jew who had lost his horse came upon a large home. He saw lights inside and heard joyous music and laughter. Feeling a glimmer of hope, he knocked on the big wooden doors and went in, shaking from the bitter cold. The music stopped and everyone stared. In his hand he held a menorah close to his heart, asking if he might borrow candles to light it because it was the fourth day Hanukkah. Taking pity on the man, the hosts allowed it, but demanded he leave by morning and never interrupt their Christmas celebration with Hanukkah again. But it was too late. Christmas and Hanukkah had met, and despite the warning, they fell deeply in love.
O Hanukkah, Hanukkah, wherefore art thou Hanukkah?
Don't deny our heavenly father, choose to celebrate in his son's name.
Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love
And I'll no longer be a Christian holiday.
[Burning candles dimly aside] Oy. Shall I hear more, or shall I cease the driedle, speak at this?
'Tis but thy name that is my enemy:
Thou art thyself, though not a celebration of lights.
What's Hanukkah? It is nor tree nor green and red,
Nor the same days each year, nor any other part
Belonging to a Jesus lover. O be some other holiday!
What's in a holiday? That which we call a candle
By any other word would burn as bright
Long story short, the two holidays refused to forget the other. They merged together in a bundle of love and excitement, creating inter-faith families all over the world who celebrate CHRISMUKKAH. They have henceforth exhausted parents physically, emotionally, and financially, parents who now need to buy both an Elf on the Shelf and a Maccabee on the Mantel. The END.