- Every night, I stare at my son's penis and ask its "mommy" to please wake the penis up so he can pee before bedtime.
- I once repeatedly smacked myself in the face with a peed-on shoe to stop my toddler from screaming.
- I've tasted dog food on command.
- I spend a stupid amount of time meticulously cutting food into superhero shapes.
- For about a year and a half, I had to cup my son's naked butt cheeks in my hand in order for him to fall asleep.
- I've explained the mechanics of a boner to a toddler.
- I examine my kids' shit like a scientist.
- I've made pieces of actual poop talk to each other.
- I've repaired a broken slice of cheese with tape.
- In the name of raising feminist sons, I let them pinch my belly and call it cute and chubby without yelling at them to take it back.
- I turned my daughter's whining in the car into a death metal lyrics and screamed them the whole way home.
- I've visualized in graphic detail using my index and middle fingers to rip out the eyeballs of someone who tried to abduct my kids (like, proper SVU style), picturing the vitreous humor oozing down my knuckles as I stare into the empty, gaping sockets -- while using those same two fingers to dig hard-to-reach boogers out of my children's noses and rubbing them on my jeans.
The mom-o-sphere is not lacking for trite advice on things no one tells you before you become a parent (What? I might feel frustrated with my kid someday? Why did no one TELL me this??). It also has a splendid variety of reasons motherhood is grosser than you expect it to be . Heck, we've even gone down that road. Parenting is also fantastically boring. Has anyone told you that yet? Because it is. But rather than write a post about what a crashing bore being a mom can be, we thought we'd let you in on another thought to consider before you have kids. Parenting is weird. So weird. You'll find yourself doing things that no adult human in her right mind would ever do under any other circumstance other than a complete psychotic break. Check it out, mamas:
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MOTY Mamas
We love our kids. They drive us crazy. We write about it instead of going insane. Archives
September 2017
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