10. I turned around to see my toddler stirring the toilet water with her brother's toothbrush, and my first thought was, “Eh. He probably deserves it.”
9. Sometimes when my kid is being a brat, I get through it by finishing sentences in my head. Like, when she shrieks about her brother messing with her crap, I say, “Yes, it is very frustrating.” Then I think, “...to be your mother.”
8. Parenting is a bitch. It turns mad, passionate, intense love into this barely burning flame that ignited in anger.
7. When my son was born, I had all of these lofty hopes and dreams for him. I thought, hey, this could be the next Tiger Woods or Steve Jobs! Now he's five and my biggest hope is that he doesn't end up in jail.
6. Kids are so annoying when they're sick. It's like somewhere between industrialization and now, kids have become pussies.
5. All of this whiny, grunting, not walking, always wanting held bullshit is driving me insane. I'm an adult and have been an adult surrounded by adults for more than a decade. Interacting on a toddler level is fucking crazy.
4. I think the best situation is when your kids are around but someone else is in charge of them.
3. I secretly get great satisfaction when they hurt themselves when I told them not to do something. Like, “That's what you get, little asshole, for not listening to Mommy.”
2. I have a headache, and I'm on my period, so I'm eating all the marshmallows out of the Lucky Charms. Because fuck the kids, you know?
But WAIT! Take a look at our final entry:
1. Realizing that he is a small child with a tiny-ass brain and underdeveloped frontal cortex makes it easier to cut him some slack.
That's personal growth right there, mamas. And any time we aren't losing our shit and spiking our coffee, that's progress. 2015 goal accomplished! Onward we go. Happy New Year, mamas!