1. Treat yourself to a pre-holiday drinking binge one week before the main event so that you know exactly what your current alcohol tolerance is. Nobody wins if you start blurting out dark family secrets or ancient resentments.
2. Prior to the holiday, prepare a list of canned responses for the family member who always passive aggressively criticizes your parenting. For example: It's so thoughtful the way you always check in on us, to make sure we've thought our family's choices through! It really helps us grow as parents. Or: Fuck off and die.
3. Avoid commentary on your heathen lifestyle (aka, heading up a household that doesn't say grace before every meal) by coaching your kids to bow their heads and whisper "elephant shoes watermelon" during the blessing.
4. Pack a thick stack of paper napkins in your handbag and place near your feet under the dinner table. When your jerk kid won't swallow his food, pretend to wipe his face and let him spit his food into the napkin. Discreetly slip into your open bag until later. (Tip: Works best if you practice at home beforehand.)
5. Pinch your child's cheeks prior to greeting elderly aunts so that when your kid predictably refuses to smile/speak/hug/kiss her doting relatives, you can gesture nobly to her flushed cheeks and say, "Poor thing, I think she's coming down with a fever."
6. If you plan to ban electronics for the day, steal mini marshmallows or other similarly sized treats from the dessert station and dole out under the table at regular intervals to ensure compliance.
7. Have more than one kid? Earn points with your superiors by encouraging a little friendly competition among your peons. Teach your kiddos a few basic compliments – Granny, your potatoes are the best! Uncle, have you been lifting weights? Whichever kid gives the most compliments wins a prize. (Tip: Reserve those last sad Halloween tootsie pops rattling around for this purpose.)
8. Fake diaper changes or nursing emergencies when you need a quick reprieve from unpleasant political discussions. Try wetting a napkin and pressing against your baby's crotch or your breast area to create a wet patch for added authenticity.
9. Practice scrunching your forehead in a pitiful "I have a horrific migraine" expression in case you need to retreat to a dark room for a few hours. Bring your phone. And your charger.
10. Pack MiraLAX in case things get really dire, and guzzle a couple of capfuls with your water. A little self-induced diarrhea never hurt anyone... in the long run at least. Take one for the team, mama. That's what motherhood is all about.
Happy Thanksgiving, fellow MOTYs! Get your gratitude on!