According to BabyCenter, you know the cheerful online entity that tells you which fruit your fetus resembles each week and why you're so gassy all of the sudden, the average baby costs $10, 158 in the first year. My youngest is turning two this week, and I'm still paying off her hospital bills and wondering why the heck I was so insistent on buying a baby tub with a newborn hammock. Which is to say, yes, babies are terrifyingly expensive, but there are actually quite a few places where you can cut corners with confidence. Check it out.
1. Floating Bath Thermometer
The Price Tag: $6-13
Why It’s Not Worth It: You are already fantastically equipped with an ultra-sensitive, all-natural nervous system specifically designed to detect if water feels too hot.
MOTY Hack: Stick your hand in the water. You know, like when you take a bath or shower.
2. Scratch Mitts
The Price Tag: Range from $2.99 for a 4-pack to $34.16 for a single pair
Why It’s Not Worth It: Scratch mitts are just one more thing to pick up off the floor, wash and keep track of. Most babies wriggle out of these anyway, and many newborn onesies and sleep suits come with fold-over cuffs that accomplish the same thing. Also, a tiny scratch on your baby’s face really won’t cause any notable pain, other than your nosy friends leaving passive aggressive comments on a pic you post on Facebook (Aw! Cayden never liked his scratch mitts either, but Mommy insisted!!).
MOTY Hack: Baby socks. Chances are you already own 63 pairs that your baby is not wearing, so throw a couple on her hands and feel like a fierce mama bear for the day. Or take 12 seconds to trim your baby’s nails. (See also: #4, Don’t raise a pussy).
3. Bassinet
The Price Tag: $50-800 (the one pictured above is $130)
Why It’s Not Worth It: Your baby will only fit and be safe in this contraption for 6-8 weeks at best, during the exact period of time when very many babies refuse to be put down anywhere for any reason. Is the bassinet pretty? Sure. Is it useful? Not so much.
MOTY Hack: Just about anything else in your house of similar measurements that can contain an 8-lb object. Laundry basket, cardboard box, nest of pillows, or, oh, maybe the crib you just spent $200 - 1,000 on.
The Price Tag: $18-30
Why It’s Not Worth It: The mild, momentary shock of a room temperature wipe will not damage your child. The implication that his anus is so precious that it deserves electronically heated disposable wipes might. You know who probably had a wipe warmer? The affluenza kid. Now he’s out doing vehicular homicides.
MOTY Hack: Don’t raise an entitled pussy.
5. Diaper Genie
The Price Tag: $30-112 (does not include the ongoing price of bags)
Why It’s Not Worth It: You know the eloquent old adage, “Think your shit don’t stink?” Turns out, it does. And so does you baby’s – no matter how compact and deeply buried in lightly fragranced trash bags it might be.
MOTY Hack: Don’t store human feces in your house. Take dirty diapers outside.
6. Bottle Warmer
The Price Tag: $20-70
Why It’s Not Worth It: The bottle warmer takes fucking forever to ever so painstakingly bring a bottle up to temperature at 4 a.m. when your baby is screaming like a tortured P.O.W. having a cruel, inescapable night terror. Plus it takes up counter space.
MOTY Hack: Use the microwave and shake the bottle like MOTYs have been doing since the industrious dawn of the microwave.
7. Smash Cake
The Price Tag: Free! If, of course, the cake you order for your party costs $100 or more. Otherwise, most bakers start at $10 for a basic design and increase prices based on your requirements.
Why It’s Not Worth It: Forgive me, but this one takes the cake. I know it’s become a bizarre Western right of passage to do the smash cake, that it feels almost un-American to let your child turn one without adorning him in suspenders or her in a tutu and letting that baby smear outrageously decadent cake all over bare chest and chubby belly. And, yes, the photos are totes adorabs. But come on.
MOTY Hack: Cut your baby a slice of the actual cake. The one you already made or bought. The one that is the birthday cake.
Now, mamas, if money is not an object to your family, by all means, indulge your baby in as much idiotic gear as you like. Feed your anxiety with HD video monitors! Make shopping oh-so-cozy with shopping cart covers! But if you're on a budget, hit me up, and I'll give you the other 729 items that didn't make it into this post.